Savin' Time and Taking Urines

This week I had my fingerprints taken for a work background check. HR suggested using an outside vendor instead of the local police department. They indicated that going through the outside vendor would "save time."  Here are a few highlights from my time-saving experience:

1. Plug address of fingerprint place into GPS. Forget to set the GPS to avoid highways. Unexpectedly end up on highway and feel like Dionne from the movie Clueless.

2. Exit highway. Immediately feel as if I'm on the set of The Wire. GPS and I both start freaking out. Gillian Welch soothingly sings in the background. Observe prostitute walking down the road at 2:00 in the afternoon.

3. At the insistence of GPS, make U-turn and pull into "shopping plaza." Said plaza contains a body shop, a hair salon, a nondescript market, and likely either a check cashing outlet and/or a bail bondsman. Lights of all establishments are out. All businesses have bars on the window, yet none have addresses posted.

4. Observe loiters in the parking lot of the essentially abandoned plaza. At least two of them are driving 1970s vehicles jacked up on enormous tires. Later learn that these classics are called "hi-risers."

5. Leave shopping plaza and pray that the GPS will somehow reroute me and transport me into a tony suburban strip mall with a Barnes and Noble and a Starbucks. Make random turns because none of the streets have signage.

6. Locate main road. See that prostitute has been joined by several friends. Swear silently in my head at HR rep. Assume this is some sort of hazing ritual.

7. Pull into parking lot of strange office building. Confirm address of background check. Call Hubby to let him know approximate whereabouts and remind him that the move to Texas was his idea.

8. Garner enough courage to enter building. Locate directory and am distressed to realize that fingerprinting vendor is not listed. Wonder whether prostitutes might be able to assist.

9. Finally locate fingerprint testing location. Discover that location provides many services including "taking urines" for criminal offenders. Watch as two very aggressive patrons confront lady behind the desk. Avoid eye contact.

10. Get called back with small group of people to be fingerprinted. Discover that after each person is fingerprinted tech just wipes off screen with some sort of liquid solution. Worry about contracting the flu. Worry that fingerprints of criminal offenders will be somehow input into database under my name.

11. Finally hear my name called. Notice that technician has put a hyphen between my middle and last name on the computer screen. Explain that there is not a hyphen in my name. Listen as fingerprint tech explains that since I have 2 last names, I automatically get a hyphen. Consider correcting tech and telling him I don't have 2 last names. Decide it's just not worth it. Now have an aka.

12. Am criticized by fingerprint tech for being too tense during test. Think better of explaining exactly why I am tense.

13. Gather my "receipt" and my driver's license. Worry about drive home. Drive home. Drink wine.

Texas forever.